When do you know it’s time for a change? Time to leave, let go, restructure?
For me, it always begins with a wrestling within myself. I am unsettled for a time, and when that feeling shows up, I don’t ignore it. I have learned over time that this sensation is the beginning of a catalyst for change.
Last summer, while living in LA, I began to sense this unsettled feeling. Life was not bad in LA - I was working in fashion styling more than ever, I loved my corner of the world, and my friendships. But there was something that kept me disconnected from fully settling in. That’s where Beach House comes in. I was driving one night, and their song Drunk in LA began playing. The lyrics looked me in the face:
“Can't help seeking corners
Of dark and dead-end rooms
Where the drinks keep pouring down
And the candles keep me warm
Isolation tenders
Something fragile coming soon
Skinny angels making eyes
At cameras perched in every room
I had a good run playing horses in my mind
Left my heart out somewhere running, wanting strangers to be mine
Memory's a sacred meat that's drying all the time
On a hillside, I remember I am loving losing life
Strawberries in springtime
Pretty happy accidents
My awareness that I'm lucky
Rolling clouds over cement
Maybe there's a screenplay
Or a bathroom I can hide
Down the hallways of a high school
And the dances left behind
I had a good run playing horses in my mind
Left my heart out somewhere running
Wanting strangers to be mine
I would climb the Eiffel Tower, write letters on the sky
How many turns it took to reach you
I had a good run playing horses in my mind
On a hillside, I remember I am loving losing life”
I could dissect that for a long time. “Left my heart out somewhere running,
wanting strangers to be mine” deserves its own post. Unfortunately, that’s off topic.
Anyway, I thought of my hillside at my studio apartment in Beachwood Canyon. Sitting up there and feeling a sense of loss I couldn’t describe. I just knew I didn’t quite belong, no matter what it promised. “On a hillside, I remember I am loving losing life.” Must have been written for me that night.
I haven’t always made the right decisions, but in these moments of reflection, I am fully aware of how deeply I know myself. I knew then what I needed and where I ought to be going.
Summer came and went as I tossed and turned over the next thing. London, I pray. In September, I got a month there in my favourite city. I had big plans to come back, but I had to say yes to the detour of healing, here in California. Our hearts & souls need extra attention sometimes, before what’s next. Finally, I was brave enough to say yes to that heart & soul time.
Now, the next thing that my heart was so ready for LAST summer was actually meant for this summer. Timing doesn’t always make sense, but it is so often good for us, the way things play out, even if you have to suffer a little existential crisis on the way.
My reason for writing this is to say, listen when you feel sensitive toward change, and ask, ‘What is my heart & soul preparing for?’ Don’t deny what you’re truly meant for and what you truly want. You’re made to go after it.
xo,
madeline
P.S. two posts in a week, who am I?? I am so inspired lately and ready to get my thoughts out there!